MUSLIM SEX
Frank talk from Muslim sex therapist
Cairo-based Heba Kotb tackles sensitive issues within the framework of Islam.
By Jeffrey Fleishman, Times Staff Writer
July 29, 2007
'Everyone is searching for better sex, but people aren't having the best sex. Sex within Islam is the best. It covers the man's rights and the woman's rights. Islam is the ultimate sexuality.'
CAIRO — In the
delicate realm where the Koran meets human desire, Heba Kotb, a Muslim sex
therapist in a ruffled gold head scarf, has strong opinions on vibrators,
foreplay, premature you-know-what and why more men can't seem to locate the
G-spot.
An hour in her clinic, where some women wear black abayas that reveal
only their eyes, is a liberating venture into a culture that has traditionally
relegated talk of sex to a family whisper. Demure she may appear, but Kotb's
voice is strong and unapologetically public. The Koran, she said, forbids sex
outside marriage, but within that union carnal satisfaction is a requisite for
happiness.
"I deal with pleasure, desire, orgasms, masturbation, sexual frequency and
erection problems," said Kotb, whose TV show, "Big Talk," is popular across the
Arab world. "Neither the Koran nor the Sunna, however, address masturbation. My
advice is that it's OK to masturbate, but only if you need it badly.
Masturbation has become more prevalent here because sex is forbidden outside
marriage."
In a society in which male clerics issue fatwas, or religious edicts or
opinions, addressing all layers of family life, a feminine voice on something as
intimate as sex has made Kotb a celebrity and a cultural revolutionary.
Some conservative clerics accuse Kotb of catering to sinners and
Western-influenced permissiveness, but, overall, there has been little outcry
about her frankness. Kotb's advice on sex is meticulously framed within the
context of matrimony, which she says is a gift from God.
"Everyone is searching for better sex, but people aren't having the best sex,"
she said. "Sex within Islam is the best. It covers the man's rights and the
woman's rights. Islam is the ultimate sexuality. It's beyond the stereotypes of
Islamic oppression. I'm replacing that template. I'm replacing the stereotypes."
Kotb's interest in the subject arose from conversations with sex offenders while
working on her forensic medicine degree at Cairo University. She later studied
sexology and philosophy at Maimonides University in Florida; her dissertation
was titled Sexuality in Islam. She wrote advice columns for newspapers,
including one called "Behind Closed Doors." In 2006, she started her own
late-night TV talk show on the private Egyptian satellite channel El Mehwar.
"I thought about the core of sexuality and religion," she said. "How many
relationships could I save knowing about this? At first, there was a state of
shock over the TV show. Gradually it was accepted, and today people love it. I
think, outside of the sex act, people have little idea about their own
sexuality. Five years ago, I'd see two or three patients a week. Today, I'm
booked three months ahead."
Kotb has a lively face bordered by a hijab. She wears rings and
bracelets; her cellphone hums incessantly, and she seems comfortable with her
high profile. She blends science and anatomy charts with the Koran and the Sunna,
teachings based on the life of the prophet Muhammad, who, Kotb noted, tended
dutifully to his wives.
Kotb advises her listeners that every sexual encounter outside marriage leaves
an indelible mark, and that the accumulation of those marks can destroy a
relationship and push one further from God. But her larger aim is to help
Muslims overcome sexual ignorance by showing them that scripture from centuries
ago is relevant to today's preferences and inhibitions.
"It's hard for people to confess that they have no idea about sex, especially
men — they think they're Valentinos," Kotb said, referring to those unschooled
in the intricacies of the multiple orgasm. "Sometimes men believe they know
everything, and some are, in fact, lying."
To add religious legitimacy to her show, Kotb invites young preachers to answer
questions from viewers. Many are part of a movement that emerged in the 1990s
that offers a less conventional interpretation of Islamic theology. On one
program, Kotb and Sheik Khaled Abdullah discussed the misconception that sex is
forbidden during the holy month of Ramadan.
"There is no correlation between how faithful you are to God and how much you
avoid having sex in Ramadan," Kotb said.
Abdullah added: "Whenever you feel you need [to have sex] with your wife or
whenever your wife feels the same according to God's rule, you can exercise this
right and you will be rewarded for that … as long as you do it between sunset
and dawn prayers."
Economics is also a factor in a nation where widespread poverty delays or
prevents many couples from marrying. This, along with the increasing Western
influence, most notably from risque music videos on satellite TV, is nudging
more Egyptians into sex outside marriage.
"The evil things always seem more interesting to us than the good things," Kotb
said. "Some people use pornography and sex toys. The problem is they could get
pleasure from these toys and drop their partner. But not many Egyptians use
them. Really, not many Egyptians know about them."
The prospect of vibrators and lubricants can seem surreal in a society in which
a recent government report found that at least 50% of girls between ages 10 and
18 have undergone genital excision, a procedure that some refer to as genital
circumcision, in which part or all of the clitoris is removed. Other estimates
suggest that 97% of Egyptian women between 15 and 49 have undergone genital
excision. The practice, believed to prevent promiscuity by reducing a woman's
sex drive, was banned in June by Egyptian health officials after the death of a
12-year-old girl during the procedure.
"I'm totally against female circumcision. There is no religious or scientific
reason for it," Kotb said. "But it does not affect sexuality. A woman keeps her
nerve endings. I'm opposed to circumcision because it's part of the human body
and it's not the right of anyone to cut your body."
The Dilemma of 'Virginity' Restoration
Time
Once lost, virginity can never be replaced — but modern medicine now offers women a near-perfect physical simulation of their lost innocence. Hymenoplasty, the surgical reconstruction of the hymen broken during a women's first experience of intercourse, or, increasingly, during demanding exercise or as a result of a collision or fall by women who've never had sex, has prompted a growing number of young betrothed women in France to make a last-ditch attempt to avoid the humiliation, repudiation, and possibly violence that could result from husbands and families discovering from blood-free bridal sheets that their wedding night had not been their first sexual experience.
Hymenoplasty has generated renewed attention here in the wake of a court ruling last month in the northern city of Lille, which annulled a marriage on the basis of a husband's complaint that his wife had falsely promised that she was a virgin — a confession he obtained after furiously waving the new couple's spotless bedclothes before still-celebrating wedding guests. Though the decision made no mention of religion, the fact that the couple were Muslim sparked complaints that France's strictly secular state is being undermined by traditional Arab cultural strictures. The court ruling also infuriated feminists, who saw its acceptance of prior sexual experience as grounds for annulment as tantamount to treating marriage as the equivalent of a commercial transaction in which the buyer had discovered a hidden flaw in his purchase. Many Muslim leaders were also outraged, insisting that Islam does not demand virginity as a precondition for marriage, and claimed that the ruling belied the judge's archaic misunderstanding of the faith and its tenets.
Though an appeal by France's Justice Ministry resulted in the Lille ruling being overturned, the storm it provoked has focused media attention on young Muslim women who turn to hymenoplasty to avoid the fate of the repudiated Lille bride. News reports have featured traumatized patients discussing the reaction they'd have faced on their wedding night or following virginity examinations frequently required prior to traditional marriages. Some admit they've paid as much as $5,250 to have their hymens reconstituted in private French clinics; others go to cities in Tunisia, Algeria, or Morocco, where the procedure is even more common, and costs as little as $300. Though the number of Muslim women in the United Kingdom, Germany, Belgium, and France undergoing the procedure is unknown, there's a consensus among doctors that hymenoplasty is increasingly common. Ironically, as some commentators note, the increase in the procedure reflects the growing emancipation of women from tradition-rooted communities, but also the ongoing male oppression signified by the obsession with female virginity.
"French Muslim women are increasingly defying the restrictions and repression men try to enforce, and leading full, modern lives — including sexually," says Dounia Bouzar, whose recent book Allah, My Boss, and Me explores Islam in the French workplace. "The one time they feel obliged to make a concession to outdated attitudes is with the marital requirement of virginity — a purely macho tradition that has no basis in Islam, and is certainly nothing courts should be respecting. This surgery is unfortunate, though it is a way for women who have insisted on living their own lives to avoid punishment under a backward custom."
Even then, there's plenty of anguish and surrender involved. Doctor Stephane Saint-Leger, head of the Children and Women's Ward at the Robert Ballanger Hospital in the ethnically diverse Paris suburb of Aulnay-sous-Bois, agrees the social and sexual differences between young Muslim and non-Muslim women in France are shrinking — including a trend of marrying later in life. That trend has generally reduced the likelihood of women of any faith marrying as virgins. But Saint-Leger says the pressure and intimidation evoked by the Muslim women who come to him for help as their traditional weddings loom frequently threaten their physical and psychological well-being. For that reason, he says, he often agrees to perform hymenoplasties, even though it's the kind of indirectly coerced act he considers ethically objectionable.
"They represent young Muslim women surrendering to unnecessary medical intervention due to unacceptable pressure," Saint-Leger says. "With this, its pressure from the traditional people. But elsewhere, women also surrender to unnecessary medical intervention to change their breasts, noses, lips, or entire face due to unacceptable pressure of the beautiful people."
Though the overturning of the Lille verdict removes the risk non-virgin Muslim brides could find themselves dragged to court on fraud charges by infuriated husbands, the cultural pressures some face remain sufficiently great that many will continue turning to hymenoplasty to restore the semblance of chastity. Many times, however, the ruse may all be for naught: Saint-Leger notes that 30% to 40% of both original and reconstructed hymens fail to produce the virginity — confirming bleeding when ruptured by penetration, anyway.